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The Pink
Room: Thoughts About Intentional Living
Chapter 9/
God’s Throne.
Part 2
(Previous post contain the previous chapters.)
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Thrones
may never mean the same thing to me again after working for a large company
that produced some of the world’s finest toilets. When that job went sideways--I
decided to quit, after some sound advice. I don’t normally give up on things,
but the cards were on the table and I felt like it needed to end.
I had been
praying, for some time, about whether to stay or go. I felt compelled to stay
until one day when all my thoughts changed, overnight. I called the landlord
and asked about sub-leases, posted the apartment, and within a day had a
renter. After the paperwork was signed, a few days later, I resigned. I moved a
week later.
Moving was
bitter-sweet. I moved there thinking it was going to be long-term and a dream
come true. By the time I moved I was exhausted and never felt quite that low. I
didn’t want to deal with anything related to any of it anymore. I had a place to
live lined-up and knew I would not need much; my moving date was quickly
approaching. I called a few people, who were amazing, kind and supportive—and
to get it all done, I gave it all away. My couch to one, some chairs to another…
I didn’t want to look at any of it; I was ready to turn the page. The last year
was filled with bad memories and looking at that stuff made me feel things I
didn’t want to feel anymore.
I believe
God tried to warn me about that place. I did not feel any peace when I was
offered the job. There were red flags about the boss. I had blinders on, and
wanted to have an impressive job bad enough I was willing to put myself in a
no-win situation. In the throne of my heart was a throne of another kind
entirely. And it stunk.
I had a
brief experience with one place, which was actually worse. It was a crazy
pottery place job I tried for a few weeks in Door County. While I was teaching
I found an “opportunity” to work as an artist in a tourist town. I believe the
boss was on drugs. I was told after, by some musician friends, that he normally
would find a way to drive anyone, yes anyone, out that wouldn’t sleep with him.
Terrible.
These
people and places required all that was in me to forgive and relinquish control
of retribution. I heard about forgiveness my whole Christian life. It is
entirely different to sit on the receiving end of injustice. When you realize
that you have been victimized it isn’t a romantic concept. I don’t want to be a
victim of anything. There is a process to work through, however, and one part
of it is acknowledging life is not fair, and then, that people are broken and
weak in their humanity. It is a good gut-check, if we can then remember when
we’ve also failed. Putting yourself in the shoes of another flawed broken human
is not appealing, but helpful when trying to understand why someone would
intentionally hurt you.
A great
insight on forgiveness, from a recent sermon
message went something like this: In a
Bible verse,
(after the Lord's Prayer) it says if we don't forgive then we will not be
forgiven. But you can read it a couple ways, including that if we don't release
people of what they owe us, we aren't released ourselves--we are "locked
up."
My prayer
for those around me—that the locks are unlocked and
you can look at those who owe you something without fear or anger. That you can
feel the peace of allowing God to be responsible for getting the retribution
you deserve. As someone who has had an apartment robbed, a boss lie, a job
promised and not delivered on, a boyfriend ghost after he said we'd get
married, a series of car accidents, and more harsh criticism than I care to
recount--it is worth the risk of NOT claiming what's owed to you.
Victims can stay locked up out of fear or grief or
validation--sometimes because we feel we owe ourselves that much...but chose to
believe for more...if you "can't even" let God. God can move on your
behalf. And in spite of all of it you can have a light and joy-filled heart
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The
hardest parts of living, for me, are the beginnings. I’m a planner by nature.
The end of something is what I envision even before that something is started.
It is difficult to anticipate anything once God controls the picture, period.
God
doesn’t always let us into the twists and turns of what is coming down the
road, and I find that really frustrating. Mom always says, “Life isn’t fair,
but sometimes you get the breaks.” Meaning, this didn’t go your way, but at
some point, past, present or future, something will and it will be more than
you deserve.
If God is
truly on the throne inside our hearts, the innate reaction to grief of
injustice should be forgiveness—because that is the most loving we can do.
