I don't know if I can do this...

I remember a day, a few years ago, when I thought "I don't know if I can do this." It was a clear realization about what Jesus was actually asking me, and all of us, to do. Simply to trust him, that's all he's asking; if that's all He's asking why does it feel like soooooo much?

The thought rang so clearly because I knew, without a doubt, that for someone who likes to plan ahead, trusting God with my whole life would not lend to that. For that matter, the results would be messy and not easy to explain. How do you show people there is ultimate trust when nothing but struggle lies in the wake of your days and years? You don't. Time might but you don't...

There is no easy answer but it is simple. You don't, I can't, God does. We are the ones making it complicated almost always. We find methods and degrees of distraction, we ask unfair questions to give ourselves excuses, we sometimes just get angry and turn away...

My thought was so clear, "...it's too much to handle, to do...really trusting God with, Everything? I don't know if I can do that." I came to the conclusion that I can't do it. Even faith is too much for just me to handle on my own, he's going to have to give me enough to live that kind of life and if it's his will, I guess he will. But there is this beautiful prayer Jesus prayed for us about having faith and being one with God, in the New Testament, so that is the beginning of my hope. Then there is that whole thing about God having a plan and winning the whole thing in the end...I guess that's something.

The hardest part, for me, is needing him. I have wholeheartedly bought into the American myth of independence. I want to believe I am a vessel unto my self that can do it all by myself. That is untrue. I can't do Christianity all by myself, I think God actually lets us stumble on this in order to bring about unity and community, we are designed to need each other and him. When this gets out of whack in our lives we begin to need unhealthy things.

I will believe that God is enough for the gap between my knowing and my doubt, today. I can only promise this for today, sometimes just this moment. I want to do more and get ahead and stock up a bit but it doesn't seem to work that way, I'm sorta getting the impression he likes to stick closely by.

So, again today, I will pray for some wisdom, for God to go ahead of me and show me the best way, for those I'm with to give me favor or the benefit of the doubt, for Jesus to shine through...to help me be the best version of myself and to help me see his hand a little in it all, to bless and protect all those I love...and then about a prayer a minute for the rest of the day. Those are a bit funnier: get me to work on time, bless that idiot driver, oh and thanks for the food, give me a positive attitude, thanks for the parking spot...you know.

So, has it been a good decision? Yes. Has it been easy? No. But it is getting a bit easier each day as I discover the unwavering faithfulness of God and learn to see it in action, learn to embrace the ebb and flow of it or whatever comes next.

I'm still learning this, each day is like a little recovery and reclamation from a very inset way of doing life. There is a metaphor in there somewhere, a lot like the picture of my niece above, but I'm without words--what I do hope: I hope I have the strength to continue to let him be the strong one. I hope I have the wisdom to let him be the wise one. I hope I have the energy to remember that none of it is really my burden to carry because I can't do it anyway...it is the strangest oxymoron of all time, and I am relieved to be learning it. Now, if I'd just remember that.

An unexpectedly satisfying radically simple show.

I just installed the show at NWTC. It is, officially, my first solo show. It was quite a weight off my mind to get this up and ready. I still need to put tags up but I am happy to say, minus one small oversight it went off without a hitch...thanks to my wonderful cousin, Abby.

I've been blessed by this young, selfless, woman. We went and moved cables and hooks, and dealt with a crabby computer person, and just slowly but surely whittled away at, what felt like, a daunting task.

All in all, I can not complain, I over planned in a ridiculous way. The things I thought I had to get ready and just didn't have the time for really didn't need to get done. This way, it is simple and straight-forward, which I really like.

I guess, I'm learning that sometimes, well, most of the time, less is more. I am beginning to want radical simplicity and I never thought I'd say that.

Starting afresh...sort of.

I recently hosted an art sale. A last grab, for anyone interested, at older and neglected art pieces. I promised that the pieces left would get recycled. Here's the proof that it has begun.

There is now a pile of pieces of prints and drawings, that I just ripped up, sitting on my table. A strangely therapeutic enterprise, I will admit. It is interesting looking at the prints in a new light--I looked for the parts that seemed usable, the parts I've always been drawn to, the parts that are interesting. Some will end up as cards, some will end up in new mixed media pieces, some will eventually get thrown away.

In the meantime, it is a good thing to move the stagnant old stuff around and rework it for a number of reasons that this experiement has made me aware of. 1. If I dwell on and hang onto old work I do not create (for more reasons, for another time.) 2. A new perspective on tired pieces is good. 3. This gives the created work a purpose instead of letting it rot or throwing it away. 4. It is really nice to do away with the parts that irritate you or frustrated you...

...a lot like life...not exactly but kinda...I'll let you draw out the metaphor.

Art and Fear, learning from Offering Art for Sale.

When you put your stuff out there you are also opening yourself up to criticism, to admiration and to having you stuff hanging in someone's house. :/

I try not to over think it. I'd become completely overwhelmed with fears and hopes and longing...possibly even snatching back neglected pieces or moving them around someone's house, for a less central or more appropriate location.

There is this book called "Art and Fear," by David Bayles and Ted Orlando, with many quotable quotations. Rereading it has brought new ones to light for me, a couple good ones for today:

"The conventional wisdom here is that while "craft" can be taught, "art" remains a magical gift bestowed only by the gods. Not so. In large measure becoming an artist consists of learning to accept yourself, which makes your work personal, and in following your own voice, which makes your work distinctive."

"Art is like beginning a sentence before you know its ending. The risks are obvious: you may never get to the end of the sentence at all--or having gotten there, you may not have said anything. This is probably not a good idea in public speaking but it's an excellent idea in making art.  ... People who need certainty in their lives are less likely to make art that is risky, subversive, complicated, iffy, suggestive or spontaneous. What's really needed is nothing more than a broad sense of what you are looking for, some strategy for how to find it, and an overriding willingness to embrace mistakes an surprises along the way. ... And tolerance for uncertainty is the prerequisite to succeeding."


(The image above was made for a 100 hole golf marathon that supported a ministry in Northeastern Wisconsin.)

Nativity:What I'm learning from my art.

This piece, to the right, is the inspiration for two abstracted pieces called "Nativity." (Below.) Some things are timeless, I guess. I never really thought about it but The Nativity Story is timeless. The most requested (so far) types of pieces that I've made are images that of The Nativity or Life.

It is interesting that I also did not anticipate that, or the idea that people would actually want this stuff. There is something a bit intimidating about knowing that the art that you scribbled or played with or experimented upon is valued by someone else. I'm still learning how to process that idea.

What I'm learning is that we all need to respond to the talents we've been given; and we all need to honor our talents in some way--it doesn't matter how.

POOF, it is right there.

 

I drew this a really long time ago. It became the cover to a Christmas card for the company I worked for at the time. I never looked at a picture, it developed out of a dark mark by one of the eyes and sorta spiraled out from there. The weird part is that I always look at, what I like to call, "resource images" to get things right--whatever "right" is in art. But there have been a few times where there is little effort need, as if the piece already existed and all you have to do is wave some sort of media in it's general direction, then POOF, it is right there.

Life feels like that when I pray a lot, things move and flow and open with ease. I don't always pray--more now than ever before in my life, but it is easier now, too. I've found God to be reliable and friendly and excited to be with me, I couldn't have said that a few years ago.

But my prayers are funny now to, short and curt, often. Things like, "well, if that is gonna happen, make it happen--I'm done." And I rather think God enjoys that, he knows my heart of hearts anyway--why pretend he doesn't?

“After SanFrancisco”

“After SanFrancisco”
March 2007
By Sherri Baierl
Medium: Collagraph Print
Notes: Juried Art Exhibition UWGB, Art Annual at Neville Public Museum 2007, Shown at Gallery Night Green Bay 2009

Collagraphs are great. You pile or peal a bunch of stuff off a piece of mat board or something firm. Then you seal the dickens out of it with something insane like lacquer. Mine was, quite literally, a shoe print—I colored the bottom of my MaryJane Crocs with marker and stepped on my art project, then carved out the printed part. Then I got a bunch of organic stuff and glued it down for the branches, here something like baby’s-breath. And finally, I “build” Polaroid type pictures and placed them down.

All in all, this is a scrapbook of my trip to see my bother while he lived in San Jose. We walked all over the place, took a ton of pictures and saw some great vegetation, Alcatraz, the sea lions at the pier and more.

Avoiding the Muse

I'm look for the next series to create. Ideas are not flowing freely which normally means a great big shift in the foundational work that I'll be making in the near future.Faces are great. I'm not planning to stop but I think I'll take a break for a while...but it is time for something new. I had hoped to be around ceramics again soon, maybe this summer. I have a ton of ideas for ceramics. I hope to work with clay again...I miss it but that is another story.

I have been thinking about concepts like beauty, pain, heartbreak and mentorship a lot. Maybe the new series will be something along one of those lines. BUT It is difficult to work when you don't feel creative, what I've realized is that it just takes sitting with the materials, not thinking so much, and moving forward. Just create. Many people over-think, fear approaching an idea...and a ton of other things.

At a summer studio I watched my cohort work on the same piece day after day after day and wondered if she was avoiding the thing that was on her mind. I do that. When there is an idea that I'm not sure how to approach I will often avoid it for weeks (or longer). Avoiding it does two things. It drives the desire to create that thing, whatever it is, into a strange place--a restless place, and it also drives to you try to feel productive on some other thing. When it comes to creativity and creating I've realized that I just need to face it head-on, it can be fixed later if need be, but it (whatever it is) won't give me peace until it is released into the world.

Bonhoeffer might have liked Claiborne

Messages of grace being cheapened and how we are isolated are kinda at the core of my concerns for America. 

Shane Claiborne was part of starting a community of Christians that serve each other and many other things that fulfill needs of people. It isn't surprising that people like him, with the controversial message of limitless grace, are misunderstood.  People like Bonhoeffer might have liked him. Bonhoeffer spent many of his days in jail writing about the need for an understanding of grace, real nitty gritty grace, not the kind that says: say this prayer and just live however you want cuz God'll forgive you anyway--that is what Jesus was for, right?

Well, yes and no, I don't think we'll "get it" without an encounter with the real God, real Jesus, and real Holy Spirit. And in an entitlement-oriented culture with an agenda about our own livelihoods and dreams it is difficult for me to believe most of us really get it. Most days I don't "get it".  I'd like to believe that I'm useful to God, I wonder though, my myopic worldview and being consumed with the needs of the day really don't leave much room in my mind and heart for His work.

I guess I just keep praying that He can use me. He says, in the Bible, he likes it when we do that.

“Dreams”

“Dreams”
2010
By Sherri Baierl
Medium: Mixed (intaglio print, acrylic, collage, conte)
Notes: Brand New

There are these medieval portraits, after Byzantine stuff, but still flat. The people seem made-up, lifeless and stoic. Most of the time there is something that stands out. This one I found has a veil. I never saw it before and thought her face would fit well within the space on this piece.  And, no, it isn’t me; The weirdest part is that people keep asking if it’s me. It isn’t but it is poetic or prophetic to think of it that way because I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on dreams.

What are dreams? Why are they there? Is God a sadist or are these nudges? How is restlessness productive and why do some of us get a double batch?

I want to be un-bothered by unrequited dreams like the lady in the medieval picture. And there are moments, after praying, that there is peace and an end to longing but it is tentative and not native to my flesh and bones.

So, I guess my lesson is: I probably should chat it up with the Big Guy a bit more and might then be able to find the contentment that this lady seems to have.

Keep Writing... I've got 1000s of letters to God.

I was on a blog the other day and happened to mention that people don't really read my blog. I got a comment, I wasn't trying to solicit favor or curiosity but I guess I manged to so that somehow.

The comment said "...keep writing..." I was a bit more than surprised. I am happy to write a little here and there, it is kind of fun. It helps me process the world around me and it is a new adventure to write out loud. (Blog.) Since I was 10 or 12, I kept a journal. It isn't a new thing, writing, but it is not something I've shared before...so someone telling me to keep doing it made me tilt my head, smile and then scrunch my face all up. Funny how some words or phrases can just nail stuff into place, good or bad.

So, I'm writing. I'm sitting at my cranky laptop, which will be replaced soon (take that--stupid laptop) and writing. It is interesting because I said I would, in 5th grade Mrs. C. asked us to list things about us. I had a flute and music, a piece of writing and something artistic...and more I can't recall. I remember thinking that I should really write because I said I like to, that's when the journals began; at the time, I thought it made me sound smart or sophisticated, because that is OBVIOUSLY what a 5th grader should be, sophisticated.

But it was a good thing, I found it difficult to start--listing things that happened, or dreams after waking, seemed boring and better suited for bulleted lists. I just couldn't figure it out, often thinking "who do you write to?" And it was awkward to write to crushes or friends, "what if someone found them?" Shortly after that time I began attending a youth group and decided they'd all be letters to God. I now have thousands of letters to God. There is a lot of whining and complaining and heartbreak in them but some interesting insights into trials and some poetic prayers, the whole ebb and flow of life, too.