Teeth, Knees and Trees

(For Abby.)

People around me have mentioned me blogging something off-and-on for months now. I took a break (or just stopped). I didn't want to think about "stuff". Nothing makes confusing things easier, and broadcasting hope and joy just wasn't going to happen. I don't get it. I don't get why good people, no implications, get pooped on. You'd think that time and life and maturity would make that an easier reality to swallow, but for some reason I find it harder and harder to deal with.

So much of this life is counter-intuitive. And soooooo many prayers go into the abyss, to God's junk-mail pile or something. (My dad stuffs the stuff he gets into the prepaid envelopes and sends it back.) "Try again!" he says--I know that's not how it works (...that's not how any of this works). Too bad, while we wait for something to make sense, it feels like that--try again!

Sometimes I have moments of clarity and remember that there is a bigger world out there and that I am only one person in this story, with only one take on what's being written. It is like after the time my apartment got robbed: one day it occurred to me it wasn't about me at all, then I started feeling a little better. I didn't miss any of the sentimental things less, and I didn't feel less violated; but I did see, for a brief moment, that this other person looked at what I had as a pile of cash, and not as my mom's class ring that she gave me because I lost mine.

It never seems like overwhelming seasons can deliver ordeals one at a time, either. When the winds start blowing and seem to speed up and you can't catch your breath, there's supposed to be an ebb and flow where you get a break, but then there are those times there is no break. Or bombs go off and you're picking shrapnel out of your [body] for weeks. Mom says we get more than one overwhelming thing at a time because we'd dwell and get depressed if we just had the one thing to think about. I think she's crazy when she says stuff like that, but then again it may be wisdom. Crazy or wisdom? It is interesting how faith brings ups these questions.

A highlight (sarcasm) from the last year was missing two prominent teeth for quite some time. Although a retainer disguised it, I was not comfortable with it. As an adult, dealing with braces and making room for dental implants is not fun. Braces are not comfortable, but then the implants were painful...and the crowns, once in, were then removed. I affectionately called it my "Hill Billy look", and I had to sport it for way too long. I'm hoping the aches go away with these new crowns, I hope.

Moving, quitting a job, starting a job, braces and crowns, Mom's knee replacements, and so much more...pepper that with random announcements by insurance companies of what they were not covering the only good news came in moments when people filled a need I couldn't fill on my own. Those moments restore my faith. They also restore hope in this whole "bigger plan" idea, they make me move to action when others need help and those moments are humbling. If you're going to be humbled, that is the way to do it, through loving-kindness of those around you--otherwise the other ways seem unpleasant. And gratitude! If you want to be a grateful person, let life fall apart and see who comes through it with you. Or strange moments where you wonder if that was a person or angel. One time, after a particularly long week, I was meeting some people for dinner and outside the restaurant this older guy gets my attention and says "hey, it will get better." Things like that stick you with. Like that quote about courage sometimes being just trying again tomorrow, something like that...

In the midst of a chaotic time, I'm seeing God's hand directing and placing things sometimes. I'm told He knows what He's doing by some pretty decent people--I'll take their word for it. I'm also seeing little things unfold that make me hopeful for the future.

At this new job, I was asked to orchestrate the creation of a 32' Christmas tree. At night, it is pretty. I took my oldest niece and nephew to see it a week ago. They immediately started giggling, the kind where they shrink down a little and put with their hands over their mouths. Then they ran toward it as soon as they got out of the  car. Then they asked it they could go inside it, I felt compelled to say yes but said no. It's just a steel frame with everything suspended from it. There is something fun about mesh ribbon and white lights, it glows.

During the day the tree looks fine. But lit, at night, on this high point...on a busy corner...it is rather stunning. I had many gashes on my hands from cable ties and chain, and stringing lights but it seems worth it now--even though the cuts aren't quite healed yet. I should take this as a life lesson I suppose--when it's in the right place, at the right time, doing what it was made to do--people stare and smile, it feels like something special and important, and kids giggle when they see it--even though I know about the wounds that aren't quite healed. I guess I can only hope I glow too.

Letter to a Young Woman

As a gift, a friend wanted to give her daughter a book of letters written by women in her life that were filled with years of wisdom.

I want to share my letter:

Your mom asked a few of us to write down some wisdom about what we wish we had been told as a young woman around the time of entering high school. I’ve been a Christian since I can remember but serious about my faith since about age 14. I’ve always been blessed with a close family and a few great friends. A good foundation is helpful but perspective, wisdom and an open heart toward God through prayer are the things that keep you going. I’m writing what I’ve known and how it has been tweaked through maturity and a lifetime of lived faith.

·         I used to believe I was cute, but I’ve learned I am a true beauty in the ways that are important—a life of purity, a desire to serve God and a heart that want to encourage downtrodden people.

·         I used to believe I was smart, but I’ve learned I’m intelligent—it only matters to me that I’m thoughtful.

·         I used to believe I was intimidating, but I’ve learned that people sense God’s power in me—and that I will follow His leading.

·         I used to believe that I was unique, but I’ve learned that individuality just means I’m a leader—I’ve also learned that leaders are often lonely so I need to take extra good care of myself.

·         I used to believe I was observant, but I’ve learned that I’m able to really know people and I care about them—I’ve learned that noticing small things opens doors for the Holy Spirit, too.

·         I used to believe I was introverted, but I now know I’m introspective and reflective and most people are not wired that way—I’ve also learned that these are either good or bad traits and I need to be generous and grace-filled with my self-criticism.

·         I used to believe I was reserved, but I now know I’m an internal processor and need extra time to sort out how I feel about what just happened—some things have taken me years to understand but because I was willing to sort through them, those things are also healed up.

·         I used to believe I just journal-ed, I now know that I write and the written word helps me feel and think and process and also to touch others deeply—I still remember so many things said to me, some of them were not so nice, I want the things I express to be helpful or edifying.

·         I used to believe people grew up, I know now that the majority of people just get older—I’ve had to learn not to judge.

·         I used to believe I didn’t express myself well, I now know that communication is important to get right and I wanted to use the right words—I believe words expressed verbally or internally have the power to lift or sink you, and the words in your life give or take life from you.

·         I used to believe I was depressed, I now know I’m an artistic melancholy and that is different from the times I’m down—I’ve learned I don’t need to be happy to please people or make them more comfortable.

·         I used to believe I needed lots of friends, I now know I need 2 or 3 people who know all there is to know about me and I need to be vulnerable with them for my own health—keep those good hearted people in your life at all lengths.

·         I used to believe I was at a disadvantage being a woman, I now know that true womanhood is the most life-giving and encouraging role to be given—a well-placed word will be remembered for a lifetime.

·         I used to believe I was a hard worker, I now know that Jesus’ grace and a surrendered life is way easier and more fun—His burden is light and easy.

·         I used to believe life was a struggle and a burden, I’m beginning to see it is God’s gift to us and He loves us beyond our wildest imaginings—therefore self-righteousness, superiority and condescension have no place in my life.

·         I used to believe that church was enough, I now know faith works better in community—that service and the Great Commission are part of community-oriented faith.

·         I used to believe I had to be perfect, I now know it is my weaknesses that allow me to experience freedom and connection—I can’t do everything myself and I need help.

·         I used to believe that people just choose not to create art, but now I know that creating takes courage—if you find and use your real “voice” it will be the hardest and most rewarding thing you ever do.

·         I used to believe that beauty pointed to worship, I now know that work also points to what you worship—the “why” of what you are doing is what you are living for.

·         I used to believe I made art, now I know I am a partner in creating—just like I create something, God created the world, then He humbled Himself and entered his artwork.

·         I used to believe that reading the Bible was good, I now know it is the only way to experience revelation and insight—there are no wasted details and the connections go on and on through the stories.

The core ideas probably are that faith and perspective are everything; and that words (in your head and out of your mouth) are life-giving.

I hope you have even more fun in school than I did, are blessed with many good friends and memories. Don’t take yourself too seriously, embrace your mistakes, apologize quickly, say kind things and smile at strangers!

Much love, friend,

Sherri