I felt compelled to reorganize the chapters. This was supposed to come in a week or so.
So here it is.
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The
Pink Room: Thoughts About Intentional Living
Chapter
8/ Change of Heart.
Part
1 (Previous post contain the previous chapters.)
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I saw this video of Kristen Bell
where she was given a surprise of being able to spend time with a sloth, she
loves sloths. She lost her mind. She was so happy she couldn’t stop crying. I
get that feeling. I am one sincere comment or one criticism away from crying
most days. It is always right under the surface. Kristen said that she has to
operate between a three and seven on the emotional scale (one to ten) or she is
crying. It is best when life is predictable and just a little bit of emotions.
According to my brother I am the
most sensitive person on the planet. I don’t know if the general public is
aware of my Achilles heel—I think many are fooled, and the ones who are--they
think I am aloof. The truth is that I don’t like feeling super sad or really
happy and emotional because it throws my equilibrium off. I am typically careful with who I choose to
trust with my emotional side, it is essentially a glimpse into my heart.
There’s a gantlet in there. If I trust you—you are pretty special.
My college boyfriend wouldn’t have
been if he hadn’t been so persistent. He, for some reason, made up his mind to
treat me with such kindness and care, for a year that all my defenses went
down. He proved he was reliable and trustworthy. But we weren’t going to get
married so it ended. I wasn’t ready for it to end, but there was no reason to
date if there would be no “being married” at the end of it. That was the only reason
we ended it. That heart-break was extremely painful, even if it was for the
right reasons. I felt the loss of a companion, and an envisioned future that wouldn’t
be shared—that is enough to cause some depression. After one conversation,
everything changed. It was the right thing, although extremely painful. He
started spending time with his future wife within a few weeks. I think watching
him fall in love with her hurt more than I have words to describe.
We are both better people for that
experience together. The greatest part is that we began as friends that loved
Jesus, and we ended as friends who ran after Him. We do not keep in touch much.
That’s why it was so strange that while I was writing this, he was writing me—some
of the most touching words I’ve ever received. (With permission:)
“9:16pm: …I went through my saved
stuff in mom's attic and found your old letters… I had that journal you made… Thank
you for the love you gave me all those years ago. It was meaningful and
precious … the time we spent was good, and it sustained my heart and changed
who I was and who I am now is in some part responsible to the care and love you
showed me then. … I feel like I have to say how much it meant to me. So thank
you. For what you gave me from your own life for that time… …I'm honored to
have a place at your table.”
Even though it was not meant to be,
I believe we learned from one another. Knowing more about who we wanted to be
and what we wanted from life. I started thinking about a concept of a quilted
heart, where pieces from here and there make a patchwork thing of beauty. I
love my quilts.
I have a quilt from my great
grandmother. She made for me when I was born. It is made from pieces of worn
out blankets and clothes they used back then; it is heavy and I love it. You
can almost sense the time and care that went into it. I made a quilt for myself
from high school and college clothes, some I didn’t wear anymore and some that
were worn out. I wasn’t ready to let go of those pieces, they meant something
only to me, so I kept the parts that held the memory and made something I use
every day.
I wouldn’t be in ministry, like I am
without the experience of dating my college boyfriend. I would not be as much
of a leader without his encouragement, and I would not be as willing to be an
individual without his influence during that time. Now, I am glad for all of
it, and what that time brought to me. The pieces that were good and life-giving
have risen to the surface and most of the rest forgotten. What surprises me
most, I am happy for him.
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“Thanks,”
he said, “for letting me have a place at your table.” That statement reminded
me of the first communion story in the Bible. Jesus said that He’d be broken
for all of us. We will never know what Jesus carried or the depth of pain he
felt, but I believe in some small way we can use our broken places to redeem
others’ broken-hearts, because He first redeemed us. Because he resides within
us.
It
was both, good that that dating my college boyfriend happened, and equally good
that it ended. It just took me a few years to see that. It is difficult not to
get stuck in sadness or feelings of rejection. But now that those thoughts and pain don’t cloud my vision, some
of the memories still, even now, make me feel extremely special. With Jesus’
care, the experience helped me become more beautiful inside, too.
