There is this thing that happens in me when I want something. My mind clicks over into this pseudo-overdrive and I evaluate every angle and every possible scenario and try to find a particular combination of steps that will grant me access to that "thing"--whatever it is.
As I grow older in faith I am realizing how unhealthy this is for my spirit. Something sort of dies with this pattern, it takes the humanness and respect for the other party and chucks it out the window. The scenario is no longer about what is good, holy, pure, kind...it is only about me and a desire and my vision of the best reality. It leaves no room for negotiation, the movement of the Spirit or the heart and mind of the other party.
When I think of forgiveness it is also a similar situation but the converse. Even to one's self it is necessary to relinquish the ties that bind...lately I've had a lot of thoughts about the past and things I never really let go of. I came to the conclusion that I needed to forgive myself in order to move on. I've never actually talked to myself about forgiving myself but sometimes I'll visualize the other person and say, in my mind, "I release you from responsibility to me for____" and "I will not hold this against you any longer" and I am able to move on.
It's an odd thing when it is ourselves though. So, in short, I tried it sort of like a Stewart Smalley thing "(name), I no longer hold you responsible for no knowing where that would lead and I will no longer torture you for that decision. You could not have known." I think it is even weirder but then respond "(name), I accept your forgiveness." It is pretty remarkable how good that felt.
