----------------------------
The
Pink Room: Thoughts About Intentional Living
Chapter
20/ Jesus’ Eyes.
The
last part.
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From
your potential to looking back over a lifetime of ups and downs, there are
things we can decide. We can decide that when life is down-right hard, and your
step-sister never comes around again, that you can choose to not understand and
still have a good live. When co-workers or co-volunteers are a constant source
of negativity, that you can hand them the power to change their circumstances
and not take it on yourself. When reality is a little too real; we continue to
keep living with integrity and following your internal moral compass.
And
as faith evolves for us and things that were once a mystery seem like common
sense. When we sense that the prayers of others were finally answered, when we
see the wisdom of those who are older generous souls in our lives and we choose
to repay the favor by pouring into someone younger. A generous man saw potential
in Billy Graham, and asked him to drive him to the town revival, and the rest
is history.
We
may not understand why sometimes holding on feels like holding sand, but we can
rest in the fact that God will not waste anything. At some point there will be
a season where ashes become beautiful and redemption. Even when failure seems
huge and the wounds are deep there is hope—we just choose to walk with Him,
even when we walk wounded.
Grace
abides and sometimes even in the valleys we come across wonderful people who
bless us and sustain us. We take in what we can and we get through those days—we
choose to believe there is a greater story, a greater purpose in all of life if
we are patient enough we may see some of the purposes be unveiled.
The
seasons of life and changes of heart are all made easier if we live with a
sense of humor. Filling life with joy and keeping priorities in order in the
midst of constant change is difficult but that intentionality is what makes it
fulfilling. We even have to be intentional about enjoying it. Even if that
means occasionally making a recipe that needs four sticks of butter.
For
me, truly enjoying life requires generosity. Of time, talent, money and
affection…generosity is a theme in my story and leads to more stories. Even in
the midst of seasons of lack, where there was not enough money, or time, or
emotion to give—those are the seasons when Jesus can show of in our lack. The
widow’s pence did not go unnoticed, and neither will your sacrifice. If we
commit those, and all, moments of significant generosity to Lord, there is no
telling what He will do with it.
I
worked for a very large company a few years ago. I was a retoucher on high end
campaigns for well-known products. Retouching is a strange job where you take
out all the imperfections in a photograph, change things that should be present,
and remove “artifacts” and dust. Sometimes the whole image comes off the background
and is placed in another environment—a composite. It bothered me that the work
was not meaningful; it was not real, that it was all about producing an ideal
that could never be attained.
Work
started well, I was treated like a rock-star. I could do nothing wrong. There
were a few years of that treatment. Things changed in my third year. Gossip
harmed the team, and facts were massaged to appear a certain way--suiting specific
agendas--there was always just a hint of truth, so exaggerations were not a complete
lie. People failed to realize that much of what was said no longer resembled “truth”
either. It was not healthy. I was not okay anymore.
I
struggled to keep it going. It was supposed to be my dream job. It was supposed
to be the apex.
In
my heart, I grieved --it all started so well. It ended with betrayal. My boss
became my tormentor and a bully; if that wasn’t enough, there were the looks and
whispers. It was depressing to see the character flaws of powerful people. It
was heartbreaking to know; my request to leave the department sent her on a
tirade and became a very real reputation problem for her. I asked to leave the
department, all the doors slammed shut. I had a boss who was out of control and
no one there would help me, no one else could.
It
was time to go. (How do you let go of a dream?) I never have felt so alone and
despondent. The situation was taking a toll on my health, for sure on my
happiness, but also on my relationships. I couldn’t sleep and I cried and cried—I
was hopeless. I did not understand why no one would acknowledge the actual
record: Over the previous year I was recruited from a contractor to a staff
member, received a signing bonus, two pay raises, publicly pointed out for hard
work, given a high profile project leading 200 people, and had approximately
ten certificates from peers nominating me for exceptional work in some way. It
did not make any sense.
Looking
back I realize I was placing my value in achievement. It was utterly
devastating when it didn’t work the way it was supposed to. I hit bottom.
Nothing could be fixed, I wanted to fix it.
Almost
all those powerful people have “resigned” have now. Forced retirements,
recommendations to move to other business units and requested resignations…
I
prayed and prayed and prayed and God was quiet. I promised God things and asked
for His help. Nothing changed or occurred to me, sometimes I’d have moments of
peace but then the chaos started all over again. I felt like a failure.
One
night as I lay in bed, it was too much; I called out to God from somewhere so
deep it might have been my toes. There’s a verse about that, groans that words
cannot express, and I have been at that place, but never before like this.
I
saw Jesus in a dream that night. He did nothing but stood in front of me, and
looked at me. His eyes were so big and loving and full of care. He saw it all,
the brokenness, anger, despair and hopelessness and what they were connected
to--I felt like a failure in every possible way but He didn’t care about shame
or depression—He saw me. He loved me. He though I was incredible through and in
the midst of all of it. He dismissed all my shortcomings. You would think the
flaws being over looked would be the most overwhelming and memorable part but
it wasn’t. The overwhelming part: just how overwhelming His love is for me, us,
and that He loves all of me completely.
Jesus
doesn’t care that I chased dreams of success as much as that I would receive
Him when He was near. What I placed my value in shouldn’t be in me at all, what
I can do, who I know or what I look like. There is almost always a hint of
truth twisted into the Devil’s lies. That makes simple answers and clear
direction difficult a lot of the time. Love, something miraculous wrapped in the
mundane; it seems so easy and cliché but it isn’t. He sees all that is inside of
us and wants us to know how much love He has for us. The problem is it requires
trust and vulnerability, to face fears we’ve been pushing down, to say and do
things that require risk. We need to do this because of a greater purpose, worshiping a fully loving God, and not wasting our time here on earth.
We
need to learn to love and enjoy life when it delivers pain, adversity and
nothing we want. Unimportant would fall away and people would become precious.
We have all the power to receive it, or not: transformational love--and we can
walk through a life well-lived with just that tool. When we are empowered by
the full love of God, nothing can stop us.
Acknowledgments
First and foremost, I would like to thank my mom for
standing beside me throughout my low points, many of which were covered in the writing
of this book. She has been my inspiration and motivation for continuing to
improve my life and not let my career ups and downs become my identity. She is
my rock.
I also thank my wonderful cousin, Abby, for always making
me smile. I hope that one day they can read this book and understand why I
spent so much time in front of my computer.
I’d like to thank my church family for allowing me to
follow my ambitions presently, which has given me the desire and courage to
re-look at the past. I really appreciate it.
My siblings, Beth and Paul, who showed me the ropes in
life; without that knowledge I wouldn’t have ventured into learning which
ultimately led to this!
Oatmeal Fudge Bar Recipe
Section 1:
1C Brown Sugar
1C white sugar
1C margarine
2 eggs
2 C flour
1 t baking soda
3 C 1min. Oatmeal
3/4 t salt
Grease and lightly flour 15 x 10 pan . Mix together sugars, marg. And eggs, Add flour, soda and
oatmeal and salt. Press 2/3 of the mixture into jelly roll pan (15x 10). Set
the other 1/3 of mixture aside for later.
Section 2:
Stir over low heat: 1 ( 6 oz) pkg. or semi-sweet chocolate
chips, 1 can of sweetened condensed milk, 1 C margarine, 1 t vanilla Heat until melted.
Pour over mixture in pan, dab the rest of the 1st mixture on
top in clumps.
Bake at 350 for 30 minutes.
Approximately 3 dozen bars. Cut medium to small.
Mildred Borchardt
